Toddler Logic and the Art of Not Fixing Everything

From the Desk of Our Client Success Manager

As someone who works with people leaders navigating growth, stretch, and complexity, I spend a lot of time thinking about how leadership actually plays out — not in theory, but in the day-to-day.

And recently, I got one of the clearest reminders… from my 1.5 year old daughter.

The other day, she insisted on wearing her dad’s oversized baseball cap for our afternoon walk.

It was windy. The hat was clearly too big. And within minutes, it was flying off her head every few steps — setting off what can only be described as her first full-blown meltdown.

I tried everything: tightening it with a hair clip, turning it backwards, holding it gently on her head like some kind of walking hat butler.

Nothing worked.

She wanted the hat. She didn’t want the hat. She wanted me to do something — but also to leave it alone.

After several failed fixes and one side-eye from a passing dog walker, I did the only thing left: I stopped trying to fix it. I picked her up, held her close, and just stayed calm.

No magic trick. No negotiation strategy. Just presence.

And eventually… she settled.

Not because I solved anything — but because I stopped trying to solve and simply stayed with her.

Calm. Steady. Present.

It hit me later that this is exactly what so many leadership moments require, too.

When someone on your team is overwhelmed, stuck, or emotionally reactive, our instinct is often to move straight into fixing mode: clarify the message, adjust the plan, offer advice. And sometimes that’s helpful. But not always — and definitely not first.

Here’s what that moment reminded me:

1. Co-regulation is leadership.

Calm is contagious. If you feel grounded, others can borrow that. If you’re not, no amount of strategy will land.

When someone is dysregulated — whether it’s a toddler or a teammate — they don’t need a solution first, they need a signal that they’re safe.

Your calm presence is more impactful than any fix you can offer in the moment. It gives others permission to settle.

2. Curiosity first, correction second.

Whether it’s toddler behavior or team dynamics, surface reactions rarely tell the whole story. Slow down. Get curious. What’s really going on here?

It’s easy to assume we know what’s going on when someone reacts emotionally or misses the mark — but rushing to correct often skips the most important step.

Asking why with empathy builds trust, uncovers root causes, and creates real learning — not just compliance.

3. Three minutes of presence > thirty minutes of distraction.

You don’t need to have the perfect words or the answer. A few minutes of steady, undivided attention can build more trust than a performance review ever could.

We overestimate the power of long meetings and underestimate the impact of being fully present — even briefly.

Those small check-ins, moments of attunement, and quiet support add up. They’re the ones people remember.

We talk a lot about strategic leadership, scalable leadership, systems-level leadership.

But sometimes the most powerful leadership is just… human.

In the moment. Calm in the wind. Holding space when the hat keeps flying off.

And not trying to fix everything.

If you’re navigating growth, change, or complexity in your team, we’d love to explore how Kōkua Hub can support you in creating more space for presence — not just performance.

Contact us today to start a conversation about how Kokua Hub can support your organization.